I'm Married To That Bloke!
by LavenderSoapSmellsGood
Summary: Lily Evans is supposed to be enjoying her early 20s. She just got promoted to Auror in the Ministry. After one night of partying, she ends up in the bed of none other than James Potter. And now she’s married to him! Could life get any more hectic?
1. Oh My God!

**Disclaimer**- Belongs to J. K. Rowling. Plot belongs to me. Don't sue! I'm a poor girl, who happens to be named Lily and yes, I do love the Lily and James ship.

**Summary**- Lily Evans is supposed to be enjoying her early 20s. She just got promoted to one of the top Aurors in the Ministry. After one night of partying, she ends up in the bed of none other than James Potter. And now she's married to him! Could life get any more hectic?

**Chp.1 "Oh My God!"**

Lily opened her eyes and stared up at the ceiling. She was as sore as...well, hell. And since when did she have a blue ceiling? It was as if a cold wind blew right up into her face and she was feelings its effects. And since when did the cold wind move? Lily almost jumped out of the bed when she saw a body lying next to her. Oh god. What had she done! She tried to get up off the bed without waking up her "significant" other and gather all of her clothes. She stealthly moved around the room and began to put on her clothes. She had slept with a man who...well, she didn't even know who he was! She had finally gotten on her t-shirt and jeans and reached for the doorknob. Perhaps she could get away and the guy wouldn't remember anything that had happened last night. Yes, everything would be fine.

"Well, well, well, Lily Evans. Fancy seeing you in my room." Lily froze. She knew that voice. And she almost threw up on the spot when her brain registered that it had been _him_ who had slept with her. "Well, come on Lilykins, aren't you going to talk to me?"

Lily spun around and stared at the brown-eyed, black hair boy. "James Potter," she said curtly, with a nod.

"Oh, enough with the formalities, hell, I've already seen you naked, I'm sure."

Lily shuddered. "Yeah, unfortunately. Do you think we can just forget that this happened?"

James shook his head. "I doubt that. I can still hear your...what should I could it...cries of passion from last night ringing in my ears."

"Well Potter," she said turning around for the door again, "I don't remember any of that."

"Don't you?" He said whispering in her ear. _How had he gotten so close to her? One minute he was on his bed half naked and the next, he had somehow ended up enveloping her. _

"No..." Lily said, but it was a lie._ How could she not remember? She could smell his cologne and felt him all around her. It was too much. She had to get out of there. Once again, she reached for the door._

"Don't touch that doorknob."

"W-Why the h-hell not?" Lily said shakily.

"Have you looked at your fingers lately?"

Lily laughed. That was the strangest ques-"OH MY GOD." She had a _ring_.

"Yes, those would be my words exactly, if I were a girl, of course."

Lily wacked his shoulder. "Shut up. Don't you care that we're...mar-mar-"

"Married?"

"Yes!"

James shook his head. "Nah, I don't really mind it. I'd rather get married to you than some bimbo blonde."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Thanks, Potter. I'm glad I'll be more important to you than a bimbo blonde for the next couple of weeks."

James, for perhaps for the first time in his life, looked perplexed. "What do you mean for the next couple of weeks?"

"Well, we're obviously going to get a divorce aren't we?"

"Well, Lilykins, what if I don't want to get a divorce from you? What if I like you as my dah-ling wife?"

"Well...Jamesie, then I will make sure your life is hell from now on, starting with your inability to have children."

"Hey! Those are delicate goods, woman!" James said with mock hurt.

Lily laughed. "Please, there aren't any delicate goods located in you."

"Oh, well perhaps some people may think that about me, but you...Lilykins, I know you love my delicate goods."

"You're starking mad."

"Mad, huh?" James asked with a goofy grin on his face.

"Now what?"

"Nothing, I was just thinking."

Lily faked a gasp. "You, Potter, you think! Why that's insane!"

"Oh ha-ha-ha Lily Evans. For your information I do think. Now stop getting me off topic. What I trying to say earlier was that some people may not think I have delicate goods, but I know you do. I mean, you kept screaming for me to give you more, more, more! If I may quote you, from last night."

"I think God is trying to give me a sign. I think he hates me."

"Oh, Lilykins I don't think he hates you. I'm sure he loves you. He did give you the best didn't he?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "I'm leaving Potter."

James followed in suit, rolling his eyes. "Well, I'm leaving too, Evans."

Lily was hit with a ton of bricks. It was Monday morning. She had gone out to party last night because she had been promoted at the Ministry. It was supposed to be a good, fun Girls' Night Out with Sophie, but instead of going out to their usual bar, Sophie had insisted on going to Fever. And what good came out of that? Lily ended up having sex with James Potter and married to him. What a lovely night. To top it all off, she was probably running late for work and her new partner would probably be furious at her.

"Potter, do you know what trouble you could get me into?"

"What are you talking about Lily?"

"I'm supposed to be meeting my new partner today at the Ministry at 9. And what time is it? 8:54. You know what a stickler I am for being on time. I haven't even dressed properly yet!"

"Oh stop being such a worry wart Lily."

"Who uses that language nowadays?"

"I do."

"Like I said, who uses that language nowdays?"

"Ouch, Lilykins. That hurt."

"Good, I'm glad it did."

"You know, if I weren't hung over right now, I'd think that you don't like being married to me," James said with a sniff.

"Wow, Potter, you are very clever."

"Yep, that's why I was Top Student at Hogwarts."

"Hey, for your information we were tied."

"But I was the more popular than you, so no one cared."

"What?"

"That's right. You heard me," James said tauntingly.

"I cannot be having this conversation with you right now. I need to get dressed."

"You won't make it in time. Just borrow some of my clothes."

"Are you crazy? I can't wear Muggle clothes to work. Especially oversized stuff."

"Lilykins, didn't you learn anything at Hogwarts? You do know how to transfigure clothing, correct?" James said slyly. He knew that Lily had never been good at Transfiguration. And Lily knew that James knew that she had never been good at it.

"Shut up."

"Aww…does my Lilykins need help?"

"I'm not property," she said coldly.

James nodded. "Okay, sorry about that. Still, just take some of my robes and transfigure them into female robes. It'll take about three seconds. Plus, you won't be late to your meeting with your new partner."

Lily nodded and thanked James as he showed her where he kept his dress robes. She wondered who her new partner was going to be, especially since they must have been very good at the Dark Arts and very experienced. James was very high up in the Ministry…where Lily would be working…but, no. He couldn't be. No way.

"Hey, Potter," she said transfiguring some of his robes into female robes, "Do you have any idea who my new partner is going to be?"

James coughed. "Er…no? Why do you want to know?"

Lily eyed him. "Are you sure you don't know?"

"Yes," he said in a hoarse voice.

She decided to let the topic drop. "Fine." She stopped and put on the new robes that she had just fixed. "Look, I don't care. Right now all I want to do is get to work and meet my new partner. We'll fix this marriage crap later. Are you coming?"

James realized that he had to go to work too. He was, in fact, supposed to be meeting his new partner this morning. The Ministry had a tendency to love to change partners around very often. When Lily had asked him whether or not he knew her new partner…well, he didn't want to say anything. He hastily gathered his robes and put them on in the bathroom.

"I'm coming Lilykins, hold on."

* * *

The two Apparated to the Ministry just after 9'o clock. Moody happy with histop Aurors arriving late. 

"Potter, Evans, why are you two late? You know I don't tolerate that."

"Sorry Moody," Lily said apologetically.

"Our condolences, sir," James said in a goofy accent. Lily just rolled her eyes at the stupid pra- well, her stupid husband.

"Cut the crap and next time try to arrive on time," Moody said, taking out a piece of parchment. "Okay, let's get this stupid thing over with. I don't understand why Wendelin insists on us changing partners so often. But he's the goddamn Minister, isn't he?" Nobody said anything. "It was a joke, people."

"Oh…hahaha, good one Mister," said Emmeline Vance, a trainee. Moody gave her a look with his eye. She shuddered and moved away. Lily looked after her, worrying about the poor girl; James could be heard snickering. It was at this moment when Lily wacked James on the head.

"Ow!"

"Anyway, here's the list of partners. When you see your name, well, people, you get the idea." Moody took out his wand and flicked the paper onto the wall across the room. Lily had been standing with James and Moody. There was a commotion as everyone tried to find their partners and get a look at the sheet. Lily decided to wait her turn, while James tried towrestle his way through the crowd.

"Hi partner!"

Lily turned around and screamed.

"Not you!"

* * *

So, who is Lily's partner?Don't kill me if it stunk. I'll try to update as often, but I'm just trying to get this story out because I'm an avid L/J lover. 

LilyLavenderSoapSmellsGood. It's always so weird when your name is practically famous in the Harry Potter world. Still, I love it. D


	2. Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter

**Disclaimer:** Does it look like I own Harry Potter? Please. If I did, well then I'd be enjoying my time and reading a book instead of writing this. Okay, did that make any sense? How about this, Harry Potter not mine.

**Chp2. "Get Your Mind Out Of the Gutter"**

Amos Diggory was certainly having a good week, that is, including Saturday. He had been laid twice already and Moody had even given him Sunday off. What more could have topped that off?

"It's you!" Lily repeated, her eyes bulging.

"Ah, yes, Lily Evans, my new lovely partner," he said winking his right eye.

"Could you be any less revolting?" Lily spat. Amos Diggory was a foul-mouthed, dirty "man" who should, in Lily's opinion be in Azkaban for all the innocent girls that he had bedded.

"Oh, but Lily dearest, is that any way to greet your new partner?" Amos said slyly.

"Please. You cannot be my partner. You are merely above a trainee."

"Ah, but Lily Evans, on vain one, if you cared about anyone but yourself, you would have known that I, too, have been promoted." Lily rolled her eyes. As if she only cared about herself. Well, _there is that Potter situation_. She didn't really care about Potter's feelings because she refused to be married to him. But still, that didn't mean she didn't care about him. Heck, she was saving him the trouble of being with her. She would be a horrible wife. She couldn't cook, clean or take care of any children. _Oh god, children._

"Lily, dearest, please snap out of your reverie."

This of course brought Lily back to reality. "Oh shut up. Let's just get this over with."

"Ah, but dearie, we will be working together on every mission and filing the same papers and going to the same events, we'll practically be married by the end of our term. Perhaps I should get the ring ready?"

Lily reached to smack his arm. "You are crazy if you think for one moment that I will-"

"WHAT IS THIS! LILY EVANS HAS A RING ON HER FINGER!" Lily inwardly cursed at Amos.

The room became quiet. Everyone stared at Lily with his or her mouth wide open. She tried to ignore their gazes and looked elsewhere, right into the eyes of…Potter. How… lovely. He smirked at her with his eyes twinkling. Oh how he got under her skin constantly. He was an incurable disease. She gritted her teeth.

"Amos is merely dreaming that I am married. This ring is actually a family heirloom from my great-grandmother. It's her ring and I just have always loved it. My grandmother just recently passed away and she gave it to me. So, now if everyone can get on with business and stop looking at me as if I were crazy, we'll be just fine and dandy." Thus, Lily proceeded to walk out of the room.

Lily had made it halfway down the corridor when her best friend Sophie London cornered her and demanded to know what was going on.

"Lily Evans! I would like to know what the hell that was back there. I know for a fact that your grandmother is not dead; she sent us cookies just last week by owl."

"Okay, you're right. I'm sorry. I just… it's just…things are very complicated in my life right now."

"Does this have anything to do with the fact that you didn't come home last night?"

"So you noticed?" Lily asked apprehensively.

"Of course. I'm your best friend! How could I not notice these things? So, what happened last night? Where did you end up sleeping? And why the hell do you have a ring on your finger?" Sophie ended up pointing her finger right into Lily's face.

"You're going to poke my eye out. And that would be bad wouldn't it? Then I wouldn't be able to tell you what happened."

"And what did happen? Do tell."

"Well, let's just say going to Fever was the worst decision in my life. And you know how I like making the right decisions."

Sophie rolled her eyes. "Lily, come on, get to the good part. You know when you ended up in James' bed and-"

"WHAT? How did you know! Did he tell you? I am going to KILL him!"

Sophie, who had been laughing at Lily's loud outburst, stopped. "I was just joking. Are you telling me that you…and James Potter…are married!"

"Yes! And keep it down. I bet people in America heard you! And besides, I don't know how if happened, but it did. And now, I'm stuck being his wife, for the time being. Tonight, when I finish filing all my papers, I will go to his apartment and demand that we get divorce papers."

"But Lily, why? He's a pureblood who comes from a very prestigious family. I'm sure, you can get some money off of him if you play your cards right."

"Sophia Amanda London, are you insisting that I try to scam Potter? He's not even worth the trouble."

"Oh come on, who does it really hurt? I mean, James isn't losing any money, and well, we all know you could use it."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Thanks, best friend, for coming up with a scheme that will certainly not work. Sometimes I wonder who the sane friend is."

"Hey! I didn't say you had to do it. I'm just…suggesting it."

"And I know you well. You don't suggest anything unless you want to see some action of some sort. And that will not be happening. I will be getting annulment papers and then it's good bye to James Potter, the conceited, spoiled and utterly disgusting "man"," Lily said doing the cliché air quotes.

"Oh come on, play with the idea for a while, Lily."

"No, dah-ling, because it won't work.

"What is with this dah-ling crap?"

"Eh, it's just something stupid Potter calls me."

"Aww… it looks like you've grown on him already. How sweet."

"Oh shut up. That's just disgusting. Getting money from him won't make me happy either. It'll be his money, and he'll bug me about it every single day."

"Fine, be that way, bitch."

Lily stuck out her tongue. "Yeah, how mature."

"Like sticking out your tongue was?"

"Of course. Now, please, can we change topics?"

Sophie huffed. "Only since you asked so nicely."

"Oh, I know I'm nice," Lily said with a smirk.

"So, want to hear about my date with Shawn Seymour?"

Lily laughed in disbelief. "You went out with Seymour! But he's impossible to go out with. He's always with one girl, you lucky like bitch."

Sophie took a long and slow bow. "Why thank you very much. But I have to say that I really enjoyed his company. He was sincere, nice and such a gentleman."

"Things that James Potter will never be."

"Hey, Lils I thought we had switched topics…" Sophie said waggling her eyebrows in a suggestive way.

"Get your head out of the gutter. Just because I did Potter and am talking about him, doesn't mean it has to be nice stuff. I did say he was an arrogant, stupid, rich and spoiled guy, didn't I?"

"Okay Lily, whatever you say."

And it would be whatever Lily said. So what if she just switched topics to the person that she hated most? She still hated him. Feelings and emotions and mutual enmity didn't change over night. Especially over sex. It was impossible. Lily Evans was not a pushover. She needed the courtship and the chase in a relationship before anything like _that_ could happen. It was impossible. She couldn't like him. She hated him. All those years at Hogwarts? She hated him. She hated him. She hated him. She did. Right?

* * *

**A/N:** Yay! Another lovely little chapter. I know the emotions and the feelings aren't that thoroughly done, but hey I'm a conversationalist, not a heavy deep thinker. So, please tell me what you thought about it. By the way, don't we all just love Amos Diggory? Of course. It was somewhat random, but will make sense in the long run. Well, at least I hope so… 

Anyway, SATs are over for me and now I can just focus on school and perhaps even this! gasps Yes, let's get the laughter over with. Okay, that's it for now. If you want to suggest anything, please be my guest. Perhaps I'll take them into consideration, since I'm pretty much winging it. Can you believe this is first story story that I hope to finish? I've done many one-shots that have been deleted… but that's all right. laughs Well, I went on a bit of a tangent.

Toodles for now. **Lily/LavenderSoapSmellsGood**


	3. I'll Help You Out

**A/N:** I have not updated in such a long time. Try not to kill me XD I've been so busy lately and well, sorry guys. Thanks to all my lovely reviewers, of course. Here's another installment. I'm not so sure if I like this one though...Oh well.

**Summary:** Lily Evans is supposed to be enjoying her early 20s. She just got promoted to one of the top Aurors in the Ministry. After one night of partying, she ends up in the bed of none other than James Potter. And now she's married to him! Could life get any more hectic?

**Disclaimer:** Not mine, I wish though. This all belongs to J. K. Rowling.

* * *

**Chp. 3 "I'll Help You Out"**

Lily Evans hated Amos Diggory. She abhorred him. She despised him. She wanted him dead. 'How dare he try and make a move on me?' She inwardly thought to herself. Now, she knew that he was a twit who just wanted to get laid by more girls than James Potter, but to make a move on her in such a public place! God, if Moody had been there, well…Lily didn't know what would have happen. Perhaps he would have blown his casket? Well, actually, now that she thought about it…that didn't seem like such a bad idea.

Anyway, back to that stupid, idiotic, low-life, ugly Amos Diggory. Lily Evans hated him. And Potter was not making it any better. And he was supposed to be her husband, not that Lily expected any decency from Potter or for him to care for Lily's well being, oh no she hadn't expected that at all…but could he at least shut up about her dreary situation?

What had happened was something Lily wished she could wipe from the memories of everyone in the wizarding world. Lily, Amos and a bunch of other Aurors had been sent to the scene of a death of some rich, old bald man who supposedly dealt with the Dark Lord. Lily was completely focused and serious about finding clues and perhaps killing off a Death Eater or two. Didn't Moody say he'd give out bonuses for catching Death Eaters? Unfortunately, there weren't any.

Instead, while looking for clues and searching around the rich, old, bald man's home, Lily surrounded herself with a couple of other Aurors who happened to be intrigued by something they had learned at Hogwarts, a fellytone, was it? Lily chuckled to herself. Ah, those Magical folk.

And that was when she felt it. Someone had squeezed her arse. She whipped her head around and saw her fellow peers laughing at her. Who had done it? They would not live to see the following day.

Lily glared at each and every Auror until she made eye contact with her other least famos person in the world Amos Diggory. He smirked at her. And then she blew up.

"What the hell is wrong with you Diggory? I could call the Ministry and file for sexual harassment. You are a perverted man who needs to get a life. Get away from me and your 'family jewels' will remain intact. If you so choose to further fuck with me, I will be forced to cremate you. God, you think you're the God's gift to the world. Well, let me tell you something, you're not. So, place leave me the hell alone. Have a good day you fucking arsehole," with that Lily strode off, not hearing the laughter of the other Aurors.

She finally made her way into another section of the home. She saw old family photos and smiled at them. So maybe the old chap wasn't that bad of a guy, right? But then again, looks could be misleading.

"That was a really good show Lilykins, I think that Amos can now never show his face in the Ministry. I think even the journalists from the Daily Prophet heard that," said a voice right behind Lily, whom she dreaded.

"What are you talking about Potter?" Lily asked turning around.

"Well, the Prophet had heard some old rich guy died, and since you know how lately the Prophet's been down in articles, they decided to published an article on this death. Well, there were a couple of photographers and journalists in the same room as you were just in. I'd love to see what they publish tomorrow morning."

"Shut up, Potter."

"It's actually James."

"Shut up, James."

"Sorry my love, but that's just something I cannot do. Besides, how can you resist the sound of my lovely voice?"

"Shut up. I hate you."

"Oh, Lilykins, I love you, too."

"No, you don't."

"Well, okay, maybe not, but still, I'm your husband, I have to love you."

"Well, I could always get an annulment or a divorce from you," Lily said thinking back to her conversation with Sophie.

James snorted. "Yeah, like that's going to happen anytime soon."

Lily's nose wrinkled. "What does that mean?"

"Oh you know, you love being married to me. I have money, looks, a good personality…"

This time it was Lily's turn to snort. "Right…"

"Well, fine. But we have to stay married."

He was falling in Sophie's trap without even realizing it. "What are you talking about?"

"Well aren't you happy being married to me?"

Lily laughed. "Right, if you mean, happy as in the context of being, miserable, horrified and hating you, then yes, I'm very happy."

"Oh, well I figured this much. But we have to stay married."

"What are you talking about Potter?" I don't have to do anything. We don't have to stay married if I don't want to."

"Look, Lily, this is really complicated right now, but we have to stay married."

"What? Why? You can't force me. And I know you, Potter. You have something hidden up your sleeve. Is that an ace I see?"

"Oh shut up. I can't tell you or else you'll ruin it Miss Goody-Two-Shoes, or should I say, Mrs. Goody-Two-Shoes?"

"Shut up and tell me now or you'll lose you're 'family jewels'".

"And here I thought all this time that Lily Evans liked my family jewels."

Lily playfully smacked him. "Shut up."

"My, my, is that the education we received from Hogwarts? Shut up is quite the extravagant word isn't it?" It's 2 syllables."

"Will you jut get on with what you're going to try to keep from me before I have to dismember your jewels?"

"Okay, fine. I wasn't going to tell you this earlier, but well, we're married right?"

Lily nodded. "Boy, you are daft aren't you? Anyone who is still an twit can see that we are. We have the same ring! I mean, obviously we aren't married. Look at the description engraved onto the inside of my ring. I love James Potter. Oh, no, no one would think we're not married. God!"

"Oh will you calm down. I'm trying to tell you something."

"Oh please continue, your grace."

"Lily, shut up."

"Oh, now who has the poor verbal skills."

"Can I please speak!"

"I don't know Potter, can you speak?"

"Stop playing with my words, Lily."

"Oooh, you said Lily. This must be very important."

"You are cruel and intolerable."

"I know. And you obviously love me for it."

"Okay, can I get on with my thing?"

"I thought you weren't going to tell me Potter."

James glared at Lily. Sometimes she could be so insufferable. Why couldn't she understand that he wanted to tell her something really important? It depended on their relationship so much. He wasn't daft. He knew for sure that Lily would some how weasel her way through and find out his plans. He might as just well make her work for it right? Besides, it was fun bantering with her. Fun? Lily Evans and fun did not belong in the same sentence. She was uptight, rigid, a perfectionist- anything but fun. Perhaps she changed? _Nah._ Perhaps he changed?

James shook his head. "Okay, look, here's what I need to tell you. You know how my family is pureblood right?"

Lily shook her head. "Actually, Potter I didn't know that. Perhaps this is why you flaunt your money constantly and brag about all the women you can have."

"Lily…" James said, his eyes narrowing.

"Okay, quieting now."

"Well, anyway, my grandparents left me some money, and well, let's just say it's a hefty sum, but I can't have the money to spend on my frivolous one night stands with hot girls until I'm 35 unless I get married first. And well, hey, look at that…I'm married. So, I could just easily pick up my money, but well, my parents have gotten involved in this situation and-"

"You're parents know!" Lily shrieked. "You told them? You really are a lunatic aren't you!"

"Don't be so daft Lily, of course I didn't tell them. Sirius did."

"Sirius knows! Why the hell would you tell him?"

"Well, come on he's my best friend. How could he not know? Besides, he would find out eventually, and well, no time like the present right?"

"Potter, you really are pissing me off today."

"Well, anyway, it's actually not my dad who doesn't believe we're 'so madly in love with each other' it's my mother. She says she has to judge whether or not we're madly in love and then I can get the money. Isn't that just splendid?"

"Actually, Potter it is, because you won't be getting that money until you're 35, because I certainly will not be helping you out."

"Aww, but Lily, there's always a bright side to everything, isn't there?"

"What are you getting at Potter?"

"Well, let's just say, if you help me out, I'll help you out. "

"What?"

"Look I know you've been struggling a little bit lately. The force hasn't been paying much lately and while most Aurors are well off, them being purebloods and such, you, my wife are not. So, if you help me for let's say a couple of months, I'll be sure to set you up very well."

Lily's eyebrow rose. "Really, Potter? You would do that for me?"

"Well you are indeed helping me aren't you?"

"Well, how do I know whether or not you'll keep your end of the bargain?"

"Well, we can do the Unbreakable Vow."

"Potter, if we did, we'd have another person know about our late night escapade, and I really don't want to see that on the front page of the Daily Prophet. Oh god, the horror!"

"Well, we're both very good at magic right? I don't think it should be that hard to do it ourselves."

Lily was still hesitant. Making a pact with James Potter was a bad idea. But he was right, she did need the money. But was it worth risking her sanity? Besides, it would help him and that was the last thing she needed to see; James Potter leaving well off with some bimbo blonde girl he picked up at the Witches' Wall. A trickle of jealously lapsed Lily's emotions. No, it couldn't be. It was just for the money that she desperately needed, right? _Right?_

"All right, Potter. But if anything goes wrong, well, it'll be _your_ family jewels."

* * *

**A/N:** Well, that's another chapter, folks. I love how I change from it being about Diggory to Lily and James. Sorry if that's annoying or confusing. I just felt like it had to progress. Anway, stay tuned for the next chapter. I'll try to get that up as soon as I have time. Perhaps I should start writing it now? I mean, besides the fact that I have mounds and mounds of homework... oh well. Don't forget to review. I can see the number of hits people make! Even if it's constructive criticism or, "I love your fic" I will love you guys XD

_Lily_


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